Why I Use Preferred Pronouns
Pride Month every June in the US provides an opportunity to be reminded of the LGBTQ population and to think how we interact with and include them. How I treat people in the LGBTQ community is something I have thought a lot about as a pastor because they are a population that has largely felt very negative emotions and attitudes from the church, as a whole. I think many churches have been wrong in communicating that the LGBTQ community is unwelcome. One step I take to communicate I am willing to welcome others as an equal is by using preferred pronouns and names.
This doesn't sound too controversial, but the concept of preferred pronouns is so foreign to many people that it is difficult to accept their use. However, not using preferred pronouns or names for transgender or non-binary individuals builds unnecessary barriers that greatly limit relationship. Our extended family struggled several years ago when one member transitioned. Many of us were uncomfortable and avoided using the preferred name and pronouns in favor of something more gender neutral. My relationship with this person was broken and has not yet recovered. The one person who is still connected closely with this person is the one who accepted and used preferred pronouns and names.
The reason I think relationships are so important as a pastor is because relationships are the heart of the Gospel. When Jesus came to the earth, he didn't come to sort everyone out and tell them all where they were wrong. He even taught that we are not supposed to judge others because the time for judgment would come in the future. Instead, Jesus proclaimed that the kingdom of God had come and this was accessed through a relationship with him. He demonstrated a radical social tolerance to welcome and spend time with all sorts of people other people thought he shouldn't - from the super religious he constantly critiqued, to the poor, the foreign, the unpopular, and the single women.
No one was off limits to Jesus.
But Jesus' goal wasn’t to simply be popular and make friends with everyone. When he invited people into a relationship with him, he was calling them to set aside their whole lives to follow him. This is an incredibly costly invitation and many people decided they couldn't accept his invitation to follow.
This is the same invitation that I offer people as a follower of Jesus. It is still incredibly costly. And it is still to be offered in the context of the love that it expresses. This requires me to love others like Jesus loved others and to value the relationships with the people around me as much as I value the invitation I am offering because the very contents of the invitation is a relationship - with God! I think some Christians assume transgender or non-binary people won't want to follow Jesus and so they simply don't extend the invitation or proactively push them away and reject any relationship with them. This not only disrespects their individual decision, it is so incredibly opposed to the radical inclusion of Jesus and his message that the church is entrusted with.
In my interaction with others around me, I want to introduce people to Jesus. I want to present him honestly in a way that respects the other person's opinion and autonomy. And this requires a level of trust and friendship. Because God's love extends to everyone, there's no room for discrimination in who gets my attention and friendship. So I will make efforts to everyone around me to indicate that I welcome them and genuinely care for them as a person. In this way, I reflect the God that I profess to follow. And if I do this close to right, when I talk about Jesus, they will have at least a little understanding of who he is from their interactions with me. To me, that opportunity is worth referring to someone the way they ask.